I come back to this blog often, not necessarily to write, but to remember what has inspired me to write. Today when I opened it to read, I was drawn to the number of posts that were filled with such love and positive energy. When reading these memory-filled happy moments, it became increasingly evident that I have been feeling the pain of life lately, and by that I mean- my inspiration has been less positive. I am filled with a lot of anger and resentment in recent months and I have been struggling internally as to why.
I want to blame it on something or someone, but to be honest the best person I can choose to blame it on is myself. I can look myself in the mirror and see that I am not happy. I look tired and gray.
As humans when we feel this inner turmoil, and we all do at one point or another in our lives, the easiest and most destructive thing to do it to project it on the ones we love. I am very good at this, I am very human. I know that most everyone that I have talked to about relationship struggles will agree that every person is guilty of putting down others when we are feeling less than adequate.
I have struggled silently with severe anxiety and depression since middle school. For me, the range of emotions go from meek and scared to violent and angry. This range can be switched from one to another for no obvious reason. I have been on medication, but that scared me-- as I have seen people who have been on medication for years and I have seen the light in their eyes slowly die.
For me, I have typically been good about dealing with these passages of life's journey, that are not particularly well lit, on my own. I can usually snap myself out of anything within a few weeks. This time it is different.
This time it is affecting my relationships and my ability to be a good parent. I feel that writing these words will help me to realize that this is real. That I might need real help beyond my own invented methods.
There is nothing more terrifying than realizing that those you love are suffering because you can't be happy enough to make them happy. The happiness of my husband and child should always come before my own, but recently I have been so focused on how unhappy I am that I am failing at keeping the most important of my relationships afloat.
I am a sinking ship, send the lifeboats.
For those readers who have struggled with depression or have endured it with loved ones, you will understand this post. For those of you who haven't, I am sure I sound like a whining sad-sack, but perhaps it will give perspective for a time when you may be forced to deal with it.
Writing and being open is my medicine and it has worked for me in the past, mainly because I feel support when I need it most and I am able to honestly share my feelings to anyone who will listen.
It has been a while since I have just free-written on here and I am going to try to make a habit of it again. Maybe writing will help me to get back to a place where I feel inspired to post because of happiness.
