Surviving Depression

I am a survivor of depression. I am a survivor of anxiety and manic episodes.

Today the world is reeling in the news of the death of a beloved entertainer, Robin Williams. It seems inconceivable to many that someone who gave the masses so much joy, had so much pain that he could not live another day.

I get it. I have been there. Experiencing extreme highs and overwhelming lows is something that I have been struggling with since early adolescence. For those who haven't fought depression, please try to keep your eyes and ears and hearts open for those loved ones who do.

Robin Williams was a parent and a husband. He had a family who loved him. I am willing to bet that at many times he struggled to give them the emotional support that they needed. That is something that I struggle with constantly. It is one of my greatest sources of stress. I have to fight hard to give enough of myself to my child, my husband, the ones I love. What is happening silently inside of me, is something that sometimes takes so much of me, that even getting out of bed can be hard. Being a caretaker for others can be the hardest task in the world if you are healthy. For those struggling with mental illness, just being alive, just making it though the day might be the only thing we accomplish that day – leaving our families and loved ones neglected.

I am writing this today as a message to those who love someone with mental illness. If you can just give love, express your devotion to that person, that one small act may save a life. Any given day can turn into the day when they are no longer able to cope, so seize the days you have. Make every moment count, and help those you love to find a reason and a strength to make it to tomorrow. A few simple words or small action can change so much for that one day that matters. Love can't cure depression, but it can make each day a little more livable. Be the one who is there when the pain gets to be too much.

What is depression like? It is having the weight of a thousand pounds pressing down on you, and you have no way out. It is drowning and holding your hand above the water, hoping for something to pull you to the surface. It is being someone that you don't know. It is causing pain and watching it happen without being able to do anything about it. It is screaming at the top of your lungs in a crowded room and not one person turns to look at you. It can be constant, it can be fleeting and it is the most terrifying feeling that will ever happen. Millions of people suffer every day from this disease, many of them in silence. Many of these sufferers find no other way out of the pain than to take their own lives. 

I had someone once tell me that suicide is the most selfish thing that someone can do. That may be true in some regards, but people who have spoken that phrase have likely never dealt with depression. Those of us who know what it is like to be unable to leave the house, to be scared of potentially hurting those you love with moods and actions you can not control, know that leaving this life behind is not an act of selfishness, but rather an act of removing the burden of our existence from those who can not help us.

The thought process behind a suicide is made with an illness in the driver's seat, it does not make sense to those who aren't suffering. It is an act of desperation, without full decision making capabilities. An act that occurs in such pain and torment, that to that individual at that moment on that day... they can not see the light at the end of the long, dark tunnel that is depression. It is not a fully conscious choice, it is not logical, therefore it cannot be selfish.

Please know that if you are suffering, talking about what is happening... even if you don't understand it yourself, can save your own life and avoid the pain of loss for those you love. Ask for help.

Here are some resources for families:

• http://www.familyaware.org/top-depression/help-someone-who-has-depression.html
• http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/depression/in-depth/depression/art-20045943
• http://www.adaa.org/
• https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/depression/index.shtml
• http://www.theguardian.com/science/brain-flapping/2014/aug/12/robin-williams-suicide-and-depression-are-not-selfish

& for depression suffers:

• http://www.adaa.org/
• http://www.cdc.gov/Features/Depression/

A Sinking Ship

I come back to this blog often, not necessarily to write, but to remember what has inspired me to write.  Today when I opened it to read, I was drawn to the number of posts that were filled with such love and positive energy. When reading these memory-filled happy moments, it became increasingly evident that I have been feeling the pain of life lately, and by that I mean- my inspiration has been less positive.  I am filled with a lot of anger and resentment in recent months and I have been struggling internally as to why.

I want to blame it on something or someone, but to be honest the best person I can choose to blame it on is myself.  I can look myself in the mirror and see that I am not happy.  I look tired and gray.

As humans when we feel this inner turmoil, and we all do at one point or another in our lives, the easiest and most destructive thing to do it to project it on the ones we love.  I am very good at this, I am very human. I know that most everyone that I have talked to about relationship struggles will agree that every person is guilty of putting down others when we are feeling less than adequate.

I have struggled silently with severe anxiety and depression since middle school.  For me, the range of emotions go from meek and scared to violent and angry.  This range can be switched from one to another for no obvious reason.  I have been on medication, but that scared me-- as I have seen people who have been on medication for years and I have seen the light in their eyes slowly die.

For me, I have typically been good about dealing with these passages of life's journey, that are not particularly well lit, on my own.  I can usually snap myself out of anything within a few weeks.  This time it is different.

This time it is affecting my relationships and my ability to be a good parent.  I feel that writing these words will help me to realize that this is real.  That I might need real help beyond my own invented methods.

There is nothing more terrifying than realizing that those you love are suffering because you can't be happy enough to make them happy. The happiness of my husband and child should always come before my own, but recently I have been so focused on how unhappy I am that I am failing at keeping the most important of my relationships afloat.

I am a sinking ship, send the lifeboats.

For those readers who have struggled with depression or have endured it with loved ones, you will understand this post.  For those of you who haven't, I am sure I sound like a whining sad-sack, but perhaps it will give perspective for a time when you may be forced to deal with it.

Writing and being open is my medicine and it has worked for me in the past, mainly because I feel support when I need it most and I am able to honestly share my feelings to anyone who will listen.

It has been a while since I have just free-written on here and I am going to try to make a habit of it again.  Maybe writing will help me to get back to a place where I feel inspired to post because of happiness.

A Veteran's Day Poem by Kara Berhow

Through all the tears, the heartache, the fear. The selfless few-- stronger than most, thank you. More brave than those of us {weak} could ever imagine, never questioning the actions that are needed, required of them all. They do their jobs while we enjoy a freedom that isn't so free afterall.

Thank you, to my husband and all the rest. Your honor and loyalty has given us everything we have today.

Technology & The Modern Soldier

I will post more about how technology is helping to keep my marriage strong. For now here is a little screen shot of how sweet my husband is, and how something as simple as a facebook status can make someone's day!

More recently my wonderful husband has made a little video of photos of us and posted on facebook.  Love Him!  Video

10 o'clock Slump

After working for him for a year, my boss has finally realized-- I am NOT a morning person. Lately I have even been annoying myself with my inability to get out of bed with my husband (the alarm clock) gone. I am absolutely of no good use before 10am. Anyone else in the same predicament?

Also, nothing important should occur before I have had my first dose of caffeine for the day.

The subject of today's blog is in the new theme of my blog is:

Getting yourself into a positive routine in order to make the time away from your loved one go smoothly & without stress.

Here is a list of nonconstructive things I find myself doing while falling into a slump instead of into a positive routine, and the solutions I am using to combat them:

Problem #1. IM LATE!!

My husband usually wakes me up for work, with out him here I just shut the alarm off and go back to sleep until 5 mins before work. Causes stress and for me to be late for work!

Solution: Set an alarm in the bathroom, so I HAVE to get up. Also getting wake-up texts from Marcus help as well. :) Lay out Kami's clothes that SHE helped pick the night before so there is no

battle! Figure out how long everything takes you to do in the morning & make a mini-schedule, so you aren't constantly surprised when things are running behind.

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Problem #2. MAD MOM.

Too much time with a crabby child makes mom crabby.

Solution: Ask for help! When you are raising a child by yourself even when you are alone for only a year, it can be stressful! Ask family and friends for help. Pay daycare to keep your child for an extra hour to get grocery shopping and other important tasks done quickly and stress free.

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Problem #3. IM BORING.

Becoming a shut-in!

Solution: You know all those friends who say if you ever need anything..... take them up on it! I am so guilty of "sitting around feeling sorry for myself" Get up- get out there- make your day better. If you are feeling like you might be getting depressed, MAKE THE CALL to you friend, parent, anyone who you trust. They love you and they will listen. My friend Jacci, whose brother and boyfriend both joined the army has decided to plan a once a week wine night & play date for the kids. What a great idea to put something FUN into your schedule to look forward to!

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Problem #4. IM GOING TO EXPLODE!

Shutting your feelings in.

Solution: It is easy to bottle things up, especially when your free time consists of a lot of alone time. Start a journal, or in my case... a blog! Let your feelings out. Write Letters! This is a lost art, but writing a letter to your loved one is a great way to get you emotions out, and plus it is fun for them to get mail. Include funny pictures and drawings from the kids. This is not only cleansing for you but your significant other will be thrilled to get a little bit of home in the mail. Also, don't forget your best resource, someone you can talk to & trust.

____

Problem #5. IM A FATTY.

Eating when you are bored/alone/depressed.

Solution: Its easy to let yourself go when you don't have anyone to impress. And for me the biggest problem is eating healthy since I don't cook! The best way I have found to eat healthy is, to limit my food budget to only healty things with a long shelf life... rice, frozen chicken breasts, frozen fruit juices.... That way nothing is going to spoil (this happens to us non cookers a lot) but when we do cook, these items are easy to make, convenient and healthy!

As for the letting yourself go- make it so you DO have someone to impress. Marcus and I have used technology A LOT this far in our time apart. Get dressed up, do your makeup, and take pictures of yourself to email to your man! He will love this, and it gives you a reason to look nice! I find that wearing makeup and taking pride in how you look directly translates to how you feel! Its also fun to have someone else take fun photos, here is one of my pictures from a Hey Cupcake shoot.

I hope this little list had helped, not only those who have a loved one in a deployment & away from home, but for the moms, wives and working women who feel like you might be starting to fall into a slump.

It happens to all of us!

Breathing Breeze

My heart leaps.

Can I feel your breath on my neck?

A dark summer night.

Cool breeze.

Nothing better

than you next to me.

So glad that...

oh.

Awake.

Dreams, if only reality.

Soon the breeze will be your breath.

A Soldier's Wife

I am unmistakably one of the most free thinking, liberal, peace loving, colorful people you will meet. If you would have told me 5 years ago that I would be married to a conservative, republican soldier I would have laughed in your face.

Love has a funny way of sneaking up on you just when you are least expecting it. You can learn more about the beginnings of my relationship with my husband by reading in previous blogs, and you will also learn of my overwhelming feelings for him.

If you already know me-- you know that my husband Marcus has left for training for his deployment to Afghanistan. I have officially been missing him for nearly one month, one of approximately twelve.

Watching my best friend, lover and new husband walk onto a bus, not knowing when I will see him next is by far one of the hardest things I have ever done.

It is nearly impossible to express how true love makes me feel, and how "being without" -cliche as it is- "makes the heart grow fonder". I am going to take this experience and write about it not only to help me, but in the hope that I might help other families out there who are now or will be battling with the challenges of watching a loved one leave on a deployment.

It has been one month since I last kissed my husband, and I am ready to start talking about the challenges of being a new wife without her husband.

The day that he left I was determined to keep my emotions under control.

I walked into the crowded armory and my eyes scanned the sea of people mixed amongst them were about 40 uniforms.

When I turned to my left I saw a familiar face emerge from the mass of soldiers. My heart leapt into my throat and as his arms fell around me I exhaled and it felt like I was being stabbed in the chest. He pulled back, kissed me and asked me to wait there, that he would be right back.

Standing in that swarm of people I couldn't control anything any more. My next breath out was filled with streams of tears. This was really happening. I was there to watch the one person who keeps me grounded leave for a country full of people who could care less if he was there or not.

In just a moment, Marcus was back and found me standing in a state of realization. He took me into his arms again and for those few moments I felt safe, but I knew it was only going to last a

short while.

The ceremony began and I sat at the end of a row of folding chairs. I have no idea what any of the speakers talked about, I had too much to think about -- too much to feel.

The ceremony ended and we were able to sit together for a while. I was a mess, and after we had been sitting for a while, what my husband said to me was completely ridiculous and exactly what I needed.

"Do you wanna go have sex quick?"

A smile immediately filled my face. This was his attempt at distracting me and getting me to laugh instead of cry. It worked.

After visiting with family and bidding everyone farewell the soldiers were called to formation. They lined up as we all waited on the lawn for them to exit the armory and board the bus. I stood along the sidewalk near the door. The men moved quickly past me and as I saw Marcus coming my heart crept towards it's new favorite place in my throat.

He had something in his hand.

When he walked past he gave me a rose. His hand reached towards my face and in an instant he disappeared in the blur of camouflage and he was gone.

If I tried to explain the emotions that filled me as the bus started to pull away, I would be typing for hours and still wouldn't be able to share it appropriately.

I know that every woman who has had their husband leave for a deployment knows exactly how I felt, as for the rest of you I hope that this helped to illustrate what the day is like.

I am so proud of the man I married, and I hurt for him to return. Until I see him again I will continue to write here and I hope for some followers in that time to share this with.

On June 26, 2010- I married my hero. On July 30, 2010 I let him go to fight for all of us.

I will see him soon, and in 11 months we will begin our life together.

share, an article from a local paper.