It's been a while...

It has been a few days since I posted, so instead of a lunch break I am going to clear my  mind with a quick blog break.  

Went to Mason this morning so Kami could have an Echo Cardiogram that was ordered by her doctor.  Everyone assures me that there is no big deal about this test and that lots of people have irregular heartbeat and murmurs.  I hope the test comes back just fine and there is no problem.  Will update Monday when I find out what happens.  

_________

The whole experience was interesting, I met Brett at the hospital, he brought Kami because today was his day for her.  She was happy to see me & for me to hold her.  The last time that Brett and I were in that hospital together I was giving birth to Kami.  It was a little surreal, only now our relationship is more like a business partnership and we are in the business of raising a little girl.  The whole situation wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be, I was mostly worried about Kam so I didn't have time to worry about any awkwardness from her dad. He might not care about me much anymore (which is fine by me!)  but I am very thankful that he is a responsible and loving father.  

_________

On the way home from the hospital I started to think about the people who "live" there with sick children fighting things like cancer.  I couldn't imagine it.  It takes strength to raise a child, but a sick child?  A possible terminal child.  What would it be like if every day you went to wake you baby up and you had to worry if they were alive?  I don't think I would have that kind of strength.

On the way home, I cried.

This test was fairly routine, and I have been assured Kami is in no immediate danger, but the thought of lying next to a sick 0r even dying child sends chills through my body.

So all out there who have been through serious illness with a child, I can't imagine what its like, but my heart is with you.

I got 99 problems & sleeping is one...

I have talked before about my irrational fear of loved ones dying.  This fear is very real to me specifically when I am trying to go to sleep.  Ever since I was a child I created this thing in my head that if I counted things while laying in bed I could stop bad things from happening.  For instance, the last 3 nights or so, Marcus has been my OCD I don't want you to die worry.  So I am up, wide awake, laying in bed counting so that he will wake up in the morning. It is SO STUPID.  I can't help it.  It does not happen all the time, but when it does I have a hard time stopping the counting.  I think Marcus is about ready to throw me out the window because I don't fall asleep right away and I am crazy counting until the early morning hours.

He is fairly patient with me, but I can tell it's wearing out.

I need to get this dumb fear under control. But when you have been dealing with something since 4th grade, it's hard to get over it in one night.

Maybe talking about it will help.  I'm not sure.  I hope so.

Well, I'm exhausted from a night of counting and "saving lives" (yes I'm aware how ridiculous that sounds)  But I have to go get ready for work.  I'll write again later-

--kgk

"Momma?"

After arriving home to the usual group of neighborhood kids in the yard, and waiting for Marcus's golf club to arrive via UPS, Samm and I decided to take Kami, the dogs, and the three neighbor girls to the nearby park.  

Four girls, two dogs, Samm and I set out on our little journey, two blocks to the park.  As we walked across the grass I noticed a small asian boy playing alone at the bottom of a very tall slide.  There were no other children or adults around, but the park is surrounded by homes, so I assumed his was close.  After about 10 minutes of watching Toby and Thumper slide down the smaller yellow plastic slide, and swinging with Kami on the swing, I looked over towards the big slide to see the small boy in the large red polo sitting all the way at the top. He was sitting just around the corner of the twisting slide, so I could barely see him.  Knees to his chest, tucked inside the over-sized shirt the little boy let out a feeble.... "momma?"

"Samm," I said, "I think he is lost-- he keeps calling for his mom."

"Maybe he thinks YOU are his mom," one of the girls said.

I left Samm to attend to Kami in the swing, tied the dogs to the pole of the swing-set and walked over to see if he needed my help.  After coxing him down the slide, I got him to point in the direction of his house.  His small hand reached up to mine and we walked across the large open lot towards a blue ranch-style house.

"Is he MEXICAN?" one of the girls bellowed.

"No sweetie, he's not," I said, not sure how address that topic with the boy clutching my hand.  I decided not to tackle the question any further and continued trudging through the grass.

Behind us trailed the three older girls.  We all introduced ourselves and the little boy said nothing, just squeezed my hand and kept walking towards the house.  After correctly guessing his age as 5, I got a small smile and we arrived at the back side of the garage.  

"Is this your house?" I asked.  

 

He shook his head no, but smiled.  We continued to walk further onto the property and I saw a group full of people sitting in lawn chairs.  They were chattering in a language that I certainly couldn't understand, but I knew this was the boy's home so I decided to do my best at explaining myself.  

They all turned and looked at me and then down at the little boy, clearly in shock.  I am not sure if they even understood me, but I explained that he was scared and was looking for his mother.  They looked kind of bewildered, and someone from the back of the group said, "Oh!  Thank you! He must have snuck away!" I caught the eye of what must have been the boy's mother as she looked up from hugging her tiny son.  She breathed out a sigh of relief and gave me a quick nod and smile.

The girls and I headed back towards the park, and I couldn't help but think that some conversations don't have a language barrier.

a lazy sunday...

Well, it's a Sunday... a day that I allow to slip away not accomplishing much of anything.  I will admit that it's 11:28 and I still have my sweats on.  This Sunday, I don't have much to talk about-  But thought I should free write for a couple minutes because I missed yesterday.

June-baby killed another bird yesterday, this time a full-sized black bird.  I noticed that the black birds are moving their nest from the tree outside of our front window.  Probably a good idea.  My grandma and Roger came to visit and watched kami while I videotaped a dance recital (exciting let me tell you!)  It was nice to see them although I was stressed before their arrival,

 cleaning up the house.  While I was at the recital, Grandma noticed some bills on my fridge due at the end of next week.  She wrote me a check for their amount and left it on the counter.  It's not until you are really broke that you can appreciate such gestures fully.  She is a really sweet lady, and love me very much, even if I am the black sheep of the family.

___

Marcus just left to go get some stereo equipment from his old car & Kami is napping, so I'm just enjoying the quiet house.  It's not until you have children that you can truly enjoy silence.  I love a quiet house.  Probably one of the greatest feelings.  The only thing that can top it is the sound of everyone coming home or waking up from a nap.  It is a wonderful feeling to know that the ones you love are coming back home to you.

I will blog at a later date about my irrational fears, one of them is the fear of loved ones never coming back.  I am not at all afraid of my own demise, but I have been terrified, somewhat irrationally so about people I love dying.  I dream about them dying at least 2 times a week and occasionally awake covered in tears.  But more on that later, that is something that I can go on and on about...

Well mostly I just wanted to write a little, but I don't have much that I am burning to talk or write about so I will just call it a day for blogging.  

___

OH- check out the new design of karaknisley.com  It loads a little slow, and if you have been to my old site you will have to refresh or empty your browser's cache to see it correctly.  This is a rough draft that i wanted to get out there so that my old site wasn't online anymore (it was very very ugly).  There will be more changes coming as I have free time and feel inspired.  ideas?  comment here & let me know!  

 

until next time- - kgk

Snuggle-bunny

My daughter  does not enjoy snuggling.  She does not want to lay with me on the sofa and read a book.  I think occasionally she does that just to humor me.  She likes to run and be chased and dig all the toys out of her toy box while babbling in a language all her own.  She wants to chase the animals and hug the dogs and pick up bits of fuzz from the floor and run it to the garbage.

There is nothing fun about taking care about a sick child; fever, crying, smelly diapers (more so than usual).  I do enjoy though, the snuggling I get from a sick Kami.  

I, myself, am a snuggler.

I do not consider myself a "natural" mother.  All this nurturing stuff does not necessarily come naturally to me.  I will say that although I do have to try hard every day, and that being a mom is hard, and as cliche as this sounds: it is worth it.

It is worth it when I get an honest, laugh from Kamryn.

It is worth it when she puckers up her little lips like a duck hoping for a mommy kiss.

It is worth it when she brings a smile to my face as she tries her hardest to run as fast as she can, only succeeding in flailing her arms a bit more than usual but not gaining any speed.

It is worth it to be up all night taking care of a sick baby just to spend my exhausted morning snuggled with an equally exhausted little girl.

Good Morning!   This is us being sick...

For your entertainment-

A little something more for you- 

Playing with some dialogue...  The reader is just jumping into a scene of two girls talking at a golf course club house in the morning.  Enjoy.  Obscene language warning.

“He Cheats”

Kara Knisley

“You would never believe what I found out last night!” exclaimed Amber. Her hair was a mess and she still wore the stained country club shirt from the night before. She burst in the door and the crisp air-conditioning met her sweaty face with a welcome jolt.

“Oh God, now what?” I asked from behind the bar. My hair was pulled back tight that morning, almost in an effort to pull my eyelids open. Amber looked like shit, her makeup was smeared and her hair was half frizzy and half wet from the rain.

“That little mother-fucking weasel cheated on me!” she squealed. “I leave him alone for one fucking night and he fucking fucks her, that nasty bitch, I don’t even know her name… Fuck.”

“Watch it…” I say, as a nod my head at Earl, the club’s only regular. It was raining that morning, and unusually hot—even for July. No one would be out to golf this morning, and other than Earl, it was doubtful that anyone would be out to drink either.

“Oh, fuck, Earl you don’t care do you,” Amber tells Earl.

“Eh..” Earl replies taking another drag off of his spit drenched cigar.

“Well, how do you know he cheated?” I ask. “He could just have been riding the Harleys with Shane and not come home or something.” “You know how they get all pissed up and on top of the world…”

“Nope, nope, no, no I know he did it! That scrawny bastard did it, ‘cause this morning he came home with a fucking huge suck mark on his neck and he’s passed out right now smelling like whore….” she said, still slightly out of breath.

I imagined Jake, passed out, buck-naked, reeking of alcohol and women. This image made me chuckle—

“Well what the fuck are you laughing about?” growled Amber.

“I just… well I can’t imagine him picking up any girls. I mean you aren’t exactly with him for his looks…” I stumbled.

“Ha! Well I guess that’s right. I kind of always took pride in the fact that I could have anyone I wanted. I mean when we go to the mall guys always stare at me and I sometimes I grab Jake’s bony little hand just to make them do a double-take. I know exactly what they are thinking… ‘what the fuck is HE doing with HER??’ I love that,” she retorted.

This girl has some serious issues, but it’s true I guess. I mean Jake may be one of the geekiest looking men I have ever seen. I am surprised he actually cheated on her first. “You are awful Amber—but again are you SURE?” I ask.

“Positive. I might leave him. Probably not though, I have him right where I want him now. Before, he worshiped me. Now the little fuck will do absolutely anything I ask… Just a little guilt trip is all it takes. What a little rat,” Amber said. “Well I’m gunna go wake him up. Scare the shit out of him, I’ll see you at four—“

The door slams shut and I can’t decide who I feel more sorry for, Jake or Amber. I think probably Jake.

Busy Day

Today is a busy day at WebSpec Design, so I will be working through my break.  I want to try to update my blog daily, so I am adding a poem I wrote in creative writing before Kamryn was born.  It is something that is dear to me, but still needs some work.  I want to revisit it soon.

here it is:

What I Want Is

by Kara Knisley

What I want is

A yellow farmhouse

With a big yard

And to see

My daughter’s golden

Ponytail swinging

Back and forth

Just like mine did

When I was her age

Chasing dragonflies

Catching them in nets

Always setting them free

What I want is

All she wants

My cat, the murderer.

June-baby the cat has always loved the outdoors.  She goes out every morning to creep through the grass and try her luck at finding the best sun in the neighborhood to lounge in.  She is such a sweet cat, and has quickly made friends with the neighborhood children. They often knock on the door and ask if "the cat come out to play?" 

Yesterday afternoon, with Kamryn at her dad's house for the night, I decided to take the dogs for a walk.  On our way out the door I noticed June running towards the back of the house with something in her mouth.  

**I have been trying to rescue animals since I could first go outside unattended as a child.  I remember a failed attempt at saving a baby bunny from my dog, only to find that my mile walk

 to set it free in the pasture was in vain when 20 minutes later a proud golden-haired canine trots up the lane with a mouth full of rabbit fuzz.**

Yesterday was like a flashback from that traumatic experience.

I dropped the leash attached to my two dogs and sprinted into the back yard to find June with a small bird trapped under her paws.  June is a small cat with no front claws, so I assumed that the bird must have been injured for her to catch it.  I snatched up the bird and ran inside clutching in my hand to look for somewhere safe for it to recover from the trauma of being

carried in the mouth of my cat.  I found a large green tote and brought it outside placing the bird carefully inside.  After insuring that the bird was safe I put a gate over the tote and the dogs and I went for a walk.  

After meeting up with a friend, we decided to go back and check on the bird.  It looked healthy and unharmed, so we decided to try and free it.

If it could fly, it would be safe.

False.

We let the little bird out of the safety of his tote to watch him fly freely towards a blooming tree across the yard.  

Our smiles of triumph turned to gasps of horror when a flash of brown and white shot through the yard and literally 5+ feet into the air to catch our sweet little bird in mid-flight.  By the time we caught up to June, it was too late.

My little rescued bird was dead.

It's like when you find out someone you love and trust has done something horrible.  It's hard to look them in the eye.  I couldn't believe what I had just witnessed...

About 2 hours later along came June scratching at the door, I cracked it open and in slipped my little murderer. She was as proud as could be, and I realize that it is in her nature to hunt.  Im just thankful she didn't bring the poor thing in the house!

--kgk

Laying in bed...

I suppose to truly understand my blog, you would have to know some back story on my life... That is a book to be written at a later date.  For now I will just write and try to make my stories easy for you to jump into, like a good soap.

This morning, 7am, laying in bed, my boyfriend's ridiculous alarm screaming "HOAH!" over and over, I roll over and snuggle into the fetal position not yet ready to greet the day.  I feel Marcus slide out of bed after silencing the piercing noise, and almost immediately after the

 sound diminishes I hear the sound of the chaos that is my life starting to begin the day.

My daughter stirs in her crib making slight squeals of excitement to find that it is finally morning, I sigh, still not ready to start my work week.  I hear her door push open and a kind voice whispers, "what are you doing sweetie pie?"  A squeal of excitement fills the room as Marcus lifts Kamryn from her crib.  Digging through the drawers, they find a suitable outfit for her to wear and off they go into the kitchen.  

Still in bed, with Kami already partly ready for the day is a great 

feeling.  

A cold nose burrows under the comforter.

"Toby, ok ok let's go outside," I grumble to my mischievous Bichon.  Not far behind comes Thumper, his partner in crime, a Lhasa Apso.  As I begin to shift my body under the covers, 

ready to slip out into the cool morning air...

"Come on guys let's go outside!"

Again Marcus to the rescue.

I smile, relaxing my legs into the warm mattress again.

Finally I pull myself out of bed after a few more moments of relishing the morning under the covers. 

 

My nose is filled with the sweet smell of breakfast cooking.  Entering the kitchen, I find Kami with her cheeks stuffed with french toast.  A big smile emerges between the plump cheeks and I can't help but laugh.

Soon Marcus is making his way for the door, heading to work.  Smile and give him a kiss and think to myself...

"this one's a keeper"

--kgk